Big Ken and Colleen

Kurt’s Blog: The Place That Intimidates Me The Most
Kurt’s Blog: The Place That Intimidates Me The Most

Where Do I Get Intimidated?

It’s in the oddest places…Palmers Deli is one of them…I’ve mentioned that before. It’s just the whole ordering thing…it’s great food, but I get confused. I’m one of those people that want to see you make the salad or sandwich, so I stand up at the counter waiting, and I can feel the people behind me getting impatient. Then I move onto the pasta salads…and now I’m holding on to a salad or sandwich….a styrofoam cup…and I still haven’t picked out a dessert, and I don’t know my drink options.

It’s great for lunch, but I get anxiety going there.
Where else?
The tanning salon.

Yep…the tanning salon. My wife & I are going to Cozumel in about a month, and in effort to burn on the first day, we decided to do a little bit of tanning.

Monday was the first time I went tanning in about 3-4 years, maybe even longer than that, and I’m still intimidated by the tanning salon.

Mainly, it’s because I feel like I’m the only one there that has no idea what I’m doing. My wife physically signed me up on Monday while I was there…like I was incapable of answering my own personal information. All I know is that I had tanning eyebuds that I found at the bottom of my change drawer in my car. Who knows how long they’ve been there, but I blew on them, so they’re clean now, right?

Everyone there is so tan…they know their way around the store. I have no idea what I’m doing.

My wife went go to tan…I’m in the lobby, and here’s how it went down:

Wife leaves.

Tan woman behind counter asks me “How many minutes?”

I say 7…because that’s what my wife was doing. I’ll follow.

“Room 8″ she says.

I spin around in a circle.

“That way” she points.

I’m still confused, so I just pretend I know where I’m going…I finally find Room 8.

I walk in.

Towels…awesome.

I strip to boxers…double-check the lock on the door works.

I sit on the tanning bed…immediately stand up…I always think it’s going to break the first time.

I remove the “This has been sanitized” sign.

I play with the radio…which is just me pressing buttons. I finally settle on preset 4…which isn’t Star 102.5, but I can’t find the manual tuning button. Oh, they have an AUX input…I can plug my Ipod in. Perfect. Will that melt?

I lower the cover…immediately feel like I’m trapped. I raise it back up…I’m going out the way the two topless gals did in Final Destination 3.

I lower the cover again. I hear a door open. I open it again…room next to me…not mine. I might have muttered a higher-than-normal “Hello?”

Embarrassed…I lower the cover again…and light it up.

Halfway through, I realize my head is on the the little pillow they have in there. That’s not good for bald people… 1/4 of the back of our head will not get tanned…will look ridiculous.

I remove pillow. Now, I’m just hoping I’m facing the same way everybody else has…my head is probably laying in someone’s feet sweat right now.

7 minutes is up….lights go out.

I put my clothes on. I wipe down the bed.

I throw my towel into a wastebasket-looking bin. For 30 seconds, I debate whether this is a garbage or the towel bin.

I walk out of room…my wife is in the lobby. Smiling.

“How’d you do?” she asks.

“Fine, felt good” I respond.

She smiles…and it won’t be until this very moment when she reads this that she’ll see what an idiot she married, ha ha.

AWESOME is as AWESOME does!

Recent Headlines

in Entertainment

Coming soon: The Mustache Hall of Fame

burtreynolds

There are halls of fame for everything from baseball to rock 'n' roll, so why not those with a hairy upper lip?

in Entertainment

Inspiration for ‘Harry Potter’ nemesis revealed

harrypotter

J.K. Rowling says the much-hated character Dolores Umbridge is based on a teacher to whom she took an instant dislike.

in Music

‘Blurred Lines’ dispute heading to trial

thickepharrell

Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams are heading to trial over allegations they illegally sampled music from Marvin Gaye.

in Entertainment

Pee-wee Herman headed back to big screen

peewee

Actor Paul Reubens is set to reprise his role as suited man-boy Pee-wee Herman in a new movie.