Dear Valued Iowa Hawkeye Season Ticket Holder…
First off…thank you. Thank you for still including “Iowa Hawkeye Football” as one of your Facebook “like”s.
We’re looking forward to an incredible 2015. We have some incredible changes that we think you’ll really be excited about…
The forward pass….we’ve been debating this for a long time…but we think we finally can get this right. It’s totally innovative. What happens is that the quarterback…will step back…and throw the football forward….in an attempt to gain yards.
Speaking of the forward pass….we might even try one of these once a game on 1st down. It’ll be a 3-yard out pattern, but we’re just getting used to this.
Back to the quarterback….we have the starting job narrowed down to 7 lucky candidates. What we’re thinking is that we’ll have Coach Kirk Ferentz, Hawkeye Legend Chuck Long, and local radio personality Producer Kurt sit in chairs with their backs to the candidates, and when they see a pass they like, they’ll flip their chair around. It seems to work on The Voice.
Or…since the Bachelor is from nearby Arlington, Iowa…how about Coach Ferentz takes the QB hopefuls on a group date…and one of them can take home the rose…or at the very least a 2-on-1.
To build excitement in Kinnick, one lucky fan will be allowed to call the offensive plays for one series. What’s the worst that could happen?
Oh, the Iowa State game thing….yeah…we’re going to start realizing that we should try and win this game. We used the excuse a few years ago that so many of our players were from out-of-state that the rivalry didn’t mean much to us…but, considering now, that 88% of our players are from Iowa…maybe we should try and have some passion for this game.
(Editor’s Note: This is not a slam against Iowa State…you play the game the way it should be played. I’m jealous).
Also…with your purchase of season tickets…you’ll get the special “Hawkeye Headset“, which will give you access to the coaches’ headsets, so you can hear the plays they call….
Hear the likes of…
“Run up the middle”
“Run up the middle again”
“Run slightly off the middle”
“Curses…that didn’t work…PUNT TEAM…you’re up!”
Then watch us attempt a punt…it doesn’t go far…but it goes so high! So high in the sky. You and your children can count the hangtime together….1 second…2 second…and down….hey, look, the other team just scored on a punt return…now we can count the hangtime of the following kick-off. So much learning!
“Team of Rudy’s” … That’s right…beloved Rudy…we all liked that movie, right? He wasn’t big enough…or fast enough…or strong enough…but he tried hard…and made a good play. We guarantee that we will make one good play each game as well. For less than $400, where you can find a better deal?
Tickets are only $395…and what a deal that it is…you’ll see us play the likes of:
Illinois State
Pittsburgh
North Texas
Illinois
Maryland
Minnesota
and…Purdue?
Really? Yikes. Those are awful teams…but on the plus side, most of the games will be decided by less than 3 points…except for the Minnesota game…we’ll still lose that by 30.
Apparently…North Texas is the Mean Green…that’s a fun fact for you. Please buy tickets.
Also, the “Hawkeye Hangout” will be open exclusively for season ticket holders…try the new “Hawkeye Hooch“…the most bitter drink you’ll ever have. So bitter…oh, so bitter.
The point is…we’re trying. We’re sort of trying. Okay…trying was tough…we’ve got a great band…and tailgating is fun. Please buy tickets.
New this year:
Ricky Stanzi leads the crowd in the National Anthem…every game.
AC/DC’s “Back in Black” will be changed to Metallica’s “Fade to Black”…because fan enthusiasm is definitely fading.
Herky will do push-ups for every point scored…so, come see him do anywhere from 10-13 pushups a game.
We aren’t telling the NCAA this…but field goals now count for 10 points. This will be awesome.
We get 5 downs to get a first down now. This is very exciting….but don’t worry, we still plan on punting a lot.
A season of excitement…a season of something…season of whatever this is…a season of hey, there are players out there….awaits us…be part of the action/misery/depression/anger/discontent/the sound you make when you clench your fists/nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Sincerely,
Iowa Athletics
